Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
