dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He had one of those small greek statue penises
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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