Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
