Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize