i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My bed is full of blood and feathers
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
