I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
There was a lot of him and a little penis
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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