I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it's like iHOP with fire
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
