Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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