Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my shit smells like andre
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
