I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize