So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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