I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
