Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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