Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
