After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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