i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
