we have pet lesbian snakes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
