hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
