He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
there is glitter all over my balls
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
