And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
