I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
