Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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