YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
