I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize