Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
