Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
