its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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