someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
