I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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