dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
