I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
