When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize