Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
