I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He kissed a someone with a penis
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
