Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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