My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
