Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
