Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
