He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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