I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
