no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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