i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
