Don't make out with my wife yet
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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