I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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