I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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