So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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