I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just come out here and I will go home with you...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
