Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
