I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
