i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize