whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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