All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
