Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
