Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
