I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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