Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
