The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize