before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
