Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My hand turned me down
You can't motorboat a personality
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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