how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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