I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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