remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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