Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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