Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
