Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I think i got beer on your cat.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
